Perhaps I’m addicted to a ghost.
Where were you when I needed you the most?
November 18, 2012: Walking Down Memory Lane
It’s almost that time of year again, the time of year that I always look forward to every year, except this year, I’m not looking forward to it. I’m back to being alone again. Every single thing that makes the holiday season special just makes me miss you even more. Every other season comes along and I’m all right. But then I miss you most at Christmas time.
The most joyous season of the year is approaching. Everyone is busy celebrating the festivities; couples are skating together in ice-rinks; everybody is cuddling with someone; people are kissing under the mistletoe. Scenes of romance and jubilance are everywhere. Everybody just seems so happy… Everybody but me.
I find it coincidental how I started this year alone. And it looks like I’ll be ending this year the same way I started: alone. I was alone on New Year’s 2012, sitting alone in the cold, operating my ride that did not have any riders, watching the fireworks through the thick fog, wishing that I was not working so I could spend the last moments of the year with her. Fast forward twelve months later, and it looks like I might just be doing the same; sitting alone in the dark, watching the fireworks all by my lonesome, wishing that I was with you through the final moments of the year.
Lately, I’ve just felt so alone. It seems like the only way I can feel close to you again is through the little trinkets that we used to consider dear, evidence of our past relationship. I’ve kept all of those trinkets in a box, hidden away in the deepest corner of my room, out of sight, out of mind.
1 year, 10 months, 4 weeks.
Whether it’s taking each other for granted, or people changing over time, bottom line is someone stops trying and feelings aren’t as strong as before.
(August 1, 2012)
It’s the first time since then that I have opened up this box. I guess I couldn’t contain my curiosity any longer. This holiday season has made me so vulnerable to the point where I’ve succumbed to my weaker self. I desperately cry out for things to go back to normal, but no one seems to hear my pleas for help. This box is both pure evil and pure joy. My anger, my sadness, feelings that should have been evenly distributed through each passing day since then have suddenly erupted into my system; suddenly, any tiny ounce of happiness that I’ve worked so hard to acquire have just vanished as if it never existed. I remember the wonderful and happy times that we spent together, the pure joy that I once felt, have become a tool of my demise, the pure evil that I feel now.
Here I am, three months later. Every single day that passes is just another living nightmare that I must endure. I long for the day that I’ll finally wake up from this dreadful nightmare. I long for the day that I can become genuinely happy again, the day that my expectations will finally line up with reality.
Some of my friends are angry at me. They say that I should move on. They tell me to stop being so sad, to stop thinking about the past. Those are the same friends that do not understand what it’s like to have their hearts broken. They don’t know what it’s like to break up with someone. They don’t know what it’s like to see the person that you’ve loved for so long start to fall in love with someone else. They don’t understand. Sure, I should stop dwelling in the past, but how can I forget someone who gave me so much to remember?
I’ve also noticed that my personality has changed. A lot. I used to always smile and laugh and make jokes. Nowadays, I just keep to myself. I hardly ever smile anymore, and if I do, it’s just usually fake ones to make people not worry about me. I get angry often. I frequently lash out at my friends over stupid stuff. I find something to nitpick about them, and I just start bashing. I don’t find many of hobbies entertaining anymore. All I ever want to do now is eat and sleep. I hardly ever want to go out. Overall, I’ve become a stranger even to myself. Who is this grim person that has consumed me? This is not the Ben that I know.
tl;dr The holidays are coming, and single people like me suffer the most during this season.
On Saturday night, while everyone was inside eating, I stepped outside to think about you. I even wore our old couple jacket to feel your presence next to me as I sat there by myself in the cold and gazed at the stars.
I said to myself, “Look at the stars. Look how brightly they shine for you, my princess.”
At the end of the day, people change, feelings change. It doesn’t mean that the love a couple once shared wasn’t true and real. It just simply means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart. Whether it’s taking each other for granted, or people changing over time, bottom line is someone stops trying and feelings aren’t as strong as before.
“This is a story of boy meets girl… You should know up front that this is not a love story.”
By the time you read this, this story would have already come to its end, and nothing of importance will have happened since. This story is, in all aspects, like a Korean drama, except for one thing: the main character loses his first love and does not live happily ever after.
There really isn’t much to tell since you already know the end, aside from the part where the boy falls in love with the girl and the parts that comes after that. What I can tell you, however, is the part where he tries to move on with his life, trying to forget this “stranger” who used to be so important in his life. All the evidence of her now lie in his mind, and in a box full of random stuff from a faded period of time of when she used to be his everything.
How did it get this way? In short, people change, feelings change. It doesn’t mean that the love once shared wasn’t true and real. It just simply means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart. Whether it’s taking each other for granted, or people changing over time, bottom line is someone stops trying and feelings aren’t as strong as before.
And at the end of his story, one year ten months and four weeks later, he thanks her for the wonderful memories, and asks her for a small favor; a favor that can be seen as sort of a way for him to not be forgotten by her. And the saying is true: “All good things must come to an end.” They part ways, and become strangers again.
Although this story ends on a horrible note, and Death becomes more inviting than Life, someday the fire in
his my heart will burn again. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not right away. But someday, someone will come along and she will spark the flames again.
“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.”
Looking at our final picture with one another makes me miss you. It brings to me a sense of reminiscence—taking me back to those days of old where I had this huge crush over you. I’d spend my days whilst sitting behind you in english honors thinking about being with you. I could honestly say that my crush was actually love, although we never happened. I’d never thought that in 6 years, you’d become such a beautiful woman.
A son once asked his mother, “What is love?” To best explain to her son what love is, she presented him with a challenge. She told her son to go outside and pick the best and prettiest flower he could, but the rule was that he can go through the field once, but he could not turn back to pick .